I feel as though I'm walking through a hallway. At the end of the hall is a mirror, that is broken and the shards make their way to my feet. The mirror has pieces missing but it still has enough for me to see fragments of myself. through these fragments i see myself, sort of but not really, like an incomplete picture. The shards at my feet and leading to the mirror shimmer and as i step on them, they don't hurt they just feel confusing.

I'm finding pieces of me that are well needless to say confusing. the further that i get away from my past, my past gets closer to me. So what I'm saying is that things from the former me are starting to come back. In a way i guese that its good, but at the same time its weird. There are things inside me that I'm feeling, thoughts, emotions, aspiritions that have all come back. I dont really want some of them to come back because my aspiritions have changed and so have I. Maybe im getting back in touch with my former self, you know that one before I had changed myelf to better suite someone else. Im not going to sit her and lie Merico was in the plans such as fall in love with someone. But I had no idea how much other things i would leave behind.

I feel that I'm becoming good again, I know that sounds weird but this time it feels different. I feel like i had become cold, jadded, intolerant, and indiferent. I dont know how to describe everything and the best way to say it is this.

As i step on the shards of glas from the mirror, the shards go through me and the reflection looks like me. Piece by Piece.

This is it



In the still of the moment from the time that it happened till now, I have been nothing more than strong. My tears have fallen on deaf ears and the flame of love turned to a flame of anguish ever so quickly. It’s not like I didn’t have the time to cry, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself I couldn’t let something like this wreck me. I did what I know how to do best; look out for myself.

Within that time frame I had the support of friends and family as I found a new way, a new routine from what I had known before. It was lonely but I persevered I knew that better times would be ahead, and I knew that I would be my whole self again. Things take time; I can’t just slap on a band aide and say that everything is ok. I’m still hurt inside really hurt to be honest, but in this hurt I have found something that I didn’t really think I would have. Myself.

Shocked at what I had not felt for a long time, I began to play with the idea that “hey, I feel like me again”. It’s not like I wasn’t myself before I just felt that I was not truly who I was. Always felt like I had to be pleasing like I always had to be on, that if I stepped outside the lines I would know about it. It felt like everything quarters it was something new that I wasn’t doing right. Quarters turned into every two weeks and soon everything just got out of hand.

Unable to persuade me enough into what I should have been to what I was, the love turned slowly into despises and I felt like I couldn’t do enough. In the deepest part of my soul I knew that I wasn’t able to do this, I knew that things would only get worse yet I continued. If there is one thing that I will learn from all this it’s that love isn’t always enough. I feel like I was blinded by love, not being able to step away and say OK, is this really working?

Now that im left here with all the pieces im just looking at life as a whole. I know that this didn’t wreck me but it left me with a lot of questions. For once in my life I wasn’t playing in the sandbox with another person. I learned to love and a lot about relationships. Especially the sting that they leave when finished. I may have something that I had long lost but I lost something that was still new. C’est le via.

I knew that this might happen; it was part of the equation when I moved here. I kick myself in the ass now for the fact that I left Vancouver. I want to go back I really do, rather I would prefer to be anywhere but here right now. Maybe im looking for the past comfort I had before. But the truth is, I’m alone now like I was in the begging shall it be in the end. Don’t get me wrong though im not truly alone I have friends here.

So to wrap this up as it’s getting long and im starting to ramble. I’m doing ok I will be fine, just time is all that I need. Time to take the pieces, piece by piece and piece together myself.
I am the eternal sailor senshi, born of truth love and justice.

Noel

theres a part of me that wants you back so badly, but there is a part of me that knows its time to move on.

Whatever you do, Dont call it a break up. It was A Liberation

i never had to say goodbye
You must have known I wouldn't stay
While you were talking about our life
You killed the beauty of today

Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around

You never heard me break your heart
You didn't wake up when we died
Since I was lonely from the start
I think the end is mine to write

Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around
People love and let go
Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever's gonna slow you down

You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do
You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do

I never had to say goodbye
You must have known I wouldn't stay
While you were talking about our life
You killed the beauty of today

Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around
People love and let go
Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever's gonna slow you down

You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do
You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do

Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around
Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever's gonna slow you down

You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do
You'll never see me again
So now who's gonna cry for you
You'll never see me again
No matter what you do

Forever and ever
Life is now or never
Forever never comes around

here are the top songs through this time.

1- The Wrekers - Leave the peices
2 - Tina Turner - When The Heartache Is Over
3 - Rob Thomas - This Is How A HeartBreaks.
4 - Girls Aloud - Call The Shots
5 - Cold Alex Young
6 - George Micheals - Freedom
7 - Dream Girls - Move
8 - Christina - Fighter
9 - Britney Spears - Stronger

I will post more later, wounds are stikl kinda open.

Once in a lifetime you find
Someone to show you the way
Someone to make your decisions
And I let you lead me astray

Who did you think you were fooling
Said you were missing me blind
But the truth is I knew you were lying
You were using me time after time

Chorus
When the heartache is over
I know I wont be missing you missing you
Wont look over my shoulder
cause I know that I can live without you
Oh live without you
Oh I can live without you

Time to move on with my life now
Leaving the past all behind
I can make my own decisions
It was only a matter of time
Sometimes I look back in anger
Thinking about all the pain
But I know that Im stronger without you
And that Ill never need you again
Repeat chorus

two years and three months later, the reality of the iminent came crashing down on me tonight.

It’s hard to believe that in a few months I would have not updated my live journal for close to two years. The amount of time that I have lived here in London. I have to say that since I have moved here my life has been stagnant, not like that’s a bad thing but with moving here to be with Merico; my once predominant search for the right man stopped. Our relationship has seen hard times and good times too. In June we took the dive and decided to move in together. Although this was a natural progression of the relationship, being with someone who is deaf and blind can have its own variations on how the relationship would actually work. Coming to the realization that the relationship its self was far from any normality was a grasp that I had to endure through. Realization of the fact that things couldn’t be done the way that I wanted them too, and that compromises had to be made to better the relationship. Personal sacrifice was felt on both ends of the spectrum, but as I now fear having to move out soon that I come to realize that the personal sacrifice on my end may out weight his.

Still life moves on and 2009 looks to be a promising year. I am now entering my second semester of college where I’ve decided to take the plunge between either going into acting or become a news reporter. While my hopes, dreams, and aspirations wanted me to go into acting the side that knows what it’s like to live like an actor also played a factor. I made the decision based on the fact that I would be able to have a career that would get me on TV out there meeting people with the financial and independent type of freedom that I wanted to ensure that I would still be able to continue with the ability to still act. Needless to say that I did very well for my first semester and have come out with an A average or 3.7 GPA.

I have met some very interesting people returning to school and enjoy the friendships that I have made. Eric arrived in London close to a year ago; we lived together in a house with other people and then parted when I moved in with Merico. Kaylee has been a strong player in my life in London. Although at first Kaylee was in a relationship with Geoff they broke up allowing for me and Ky to get to know each other very well. Come the end of summer Ky and I will be looking to get an apartment together. The reasoning behind that is a long winded story but has much to do with Merico. Needless to say the decision doesn’t completely come from him as there is much more that factors in (such as location)

I became an uncle in 2008 and have yet to meet my niece. Summer Victoria Scott is her name and she is as cute as a button - or so I have heard. my parents are overwhelmed with joy as they spoil the child the best that they can.

keep your chin up.
Today is the dream that you dreamt yesterday.

If Your Reading This Than Read Hard!

Your Are Invited to,

Noel's Hot and Awesome Super Karaoke Farewell Dance Party!

Where and When? - Sunday march the 18 after 9pm at Numbers On Davie Street.

Yeppers this is the official farewll party come on out! I leave on the 22 at 11 50 om, so from that time on i wont be in vancouver anymore. if you want to hang out let me know just give me a call up,
778-773-9840
if your comint make sure to call me just so i know how many people are going to be coming ok?

My time here has been fun but im ready to move on
Hope to see you before i go,

Noel

OK everyone,

This is it, In 24 days i will no longer be in Vancouver,

end transmission

just in case anyone is wondering i have fallen in love with Hayley Westenra! her voice is amazing her lyrics meh they are ok but its her voice that counts and the message behind what is really there. Any way i told merico that i love hayley westenra although he cant hear her he loves the lyrics proving so he sent me flowers with the following lyrics.


Through the window of my soul
All the secrets that I hold
Will be yours to share for
Always, always

Like a whisper in the wind
The gentle breeze touches my skin
And I know you're with me
Always, always

I can feel it in the air
The fire that we share
Can only come from deep within
It's the light that burns so bright
It guides you through the night
And leads you to me
So find your way back and

Chorus:
Hold me, touch me
Let the love come rushing through me
I'm yours with every breath I take
Forever and ever
Hold on to love
Cast it down
That's what we're made of
Never let go for my heart's sake
'Cause my heart belongs to you

I lie awake to hear you breathe
Only you can feel the need
That builds and burns so deep
Inside me, inside me

As the moon lights up the sky
There's a thousand reasons why
My heart will only beat for you

You're the reason that I live
So now all I've got to give
I give it to you
Just don't fight the feeling

(Chorus)

(Don't give up but just give in
Or we'll always be here waiting for you)

Waiting for you
Love will see us through

(Chorus)

My heart belongs to you
My heart belongs to you
My heart belongs to you
Only you

boo yeah! hands down best boifriend ever!

When i was growing up in thunder bay as the young gay man i used to be. i would see my friends happily coupled with partners that they had been with for a long time. I was jealous. I wanted a love like that, i wanted someone that i could be with for a long time. little did i know i wanted more than just that. As time went on and i moved away from not only my home town but my old self, i grew and realized that wow, now i want more than just a 2 - 4 years relationship; I want love.

I always thought when i was younger that the person i would fall in love with would more than likley be from my past. little did i know how true that would be. I wanted a love like no other, i wanted FIRE WORKS and love at first sight, although love was worth fighting for, i dont want to die looking for it. I wanted someone who i knew right away that i could spend the rest of my days with and be compltley happy, i wanted someone who when i met them a spark ignited deap inside. Above all i wanted someone that i could acually fall in love with for real.

Im good at playing a part, masks are all parts of our selves. We were masks of personalities to fit in with people: Put a mask on and than take it off. I was good with the mask of love, i could put it on and really fool anyone who i wanted to, but i didnt want to fool anymore nor be fooled.

I've been with many men, and i usualy get what i want with the man that i want. I dated someone who i wanted a serious relationship with i got, but i didnt get the right guy. I wanted someone i could date casually but that ended with a serious relationship and serious feelings involved. I wanted a man not a boy, but alas a man was too much for me to tame.

enter the man that i now love.

Who would have thought that you from my past would make you way into my heart and plant your love soo deeply that all other loves would seeminglesly disapear. Poof in a cloud of red and white you took away all the pain, the tears i cried for them, and turned my heart on again. This time it was pure, true connected to someone eles, someone who was also pure, true and looking for more.

No word can describe how i love you, nor how wonderfull you truely are. You maybe flawed, but to me i see past that and see your heart. i see the way you look at me, i feel how much i love you and thats all that matters. You make my days brighter, yet grey because you are not near me. You make me smile for no reason other than the fact that i get to see your beautiful face. there are no words in this world or my mind that can describe anything, but who needs words when the language of love has non?

you taught me that true love is out there, you taught me that no matter what language barriars there maybe it doesnt matter because the language of love is the hearts song, not a song that i can sing or you can sign.

know that my heart is in your hands and vice versa, take care of it as i have taken care of yours. till the day we are together, every beat of this heart is for you.

Yes people I'am very much in love, so much in love that it even makes me sick. i love it though. i love the way he looks at me, i love the way he holds me at night and god forbid if im not in his arms when he wakes up, he puts them around me again.

Master Plan
-------------------------------------------------------

through mountains and prarriers apart, you are always in my heart.

Yeppers, go figure that the boy that i love is on the other side of the mountains. something has to be done about that and smething has been scheming in my mind to do smething about that.

I'm moving to london ontario to be with Merico. here is the plan.

starting in february im going to start selling stuff that i dont need anymore so if there is anything that you like please let me know. after that i will be slowly saving the rest of the money that i need to move and of course there will be a short stop over in thunder bay for a period of a week and 1.2 to two weeks depending on how i feel after that i will moving to london ontario to work than start school in the fall. i will back during the summer with merico for a weding but will probably be more family based ( his side not mine lol ) than an acual visit but i will try and make it out with him a few times.

since im going to be back in thunder bay for awhile there will be parties ( there better be fucking parties! ) and of course some good old chill time with people i havent seen.

my mom told me, Home is where the heart is. My heart is no longer here, its with him. I know this sounds stupid and corny but i feel at home with him. peacfull calm relazed and in love. Im just happy that this happened. I love you my van friends but love has a funny way of turnin things around.

I know its tomorrow but still

HAPPY BIRHTDAY MY EMO JOURNAL! your now three years old

ohh the emo times we have had together, glasses of wine, tests, lyrics, angel wings, my birthdays your birthdays wow im 21 and your three wow good times, good times.

Happy birthday Subplatonic!

Yes im still alive

i just dont have a computer

end transmission

How can you be so amazing to sweep me off my feet like youy did?
how can i fall in love with someone so fast?
how does it all seem to make sense.

Im in love. Im happy new job going good. making very good money. moving to toronto in july.

Did i mention that im in love?

Merico I Love You

Ohh Gawd, Well I Will Still go See it


http://www.cinematical.com/2006/04/18/lindsay-lohan-is-sailor-moon/

"Speechless"

I find I get lost for words around you
Overwhelmed by your presence
I feel the same, I hear the words you won't say
Echo through your eyes
Nothing more for me to say
Silence understand some things
What it meant to be, will be

[Chorus:]
Sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built between us
I won't ever be speechless

This feeling takes me just like a painted sky
how do I describe all these colours inside
Nothing left for me to say anyway

[Chorus:]
Sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built
Sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built between us.

I wanna know you inside out
I want to know you without a doubt
And though we're shy
Would it be easier just to say goodbye
I want to learn to read your mind
I want to say the words but my tongue gets tied
And don't feel shy
Would it be easier just to say goodbye

I find I get lost for words around you
Overwhelmed by your presence

[Chorus:]
Sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built
Sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way
Time will break down the walls that we've built between us
I won't ever be
Won't ever be
I won't ever be
Speechless